Realised, that I forgot another story I'm writing on. It's gonna be a bigger thing, if I'm really doing it right it will be a novel. ;)
It's a family history somehow, a story about a woman living today and the not so glorious history of her mother's side of the family. In my head it is to be a story about womanhood, although it's telling about men's lifes.
I wrote bits and pieces of it already, but not enough continuous stuff to post yet.
And the working title is Ezra
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Just a little outline of the projects I'm writing on right now:

- abstract luxury - which is going to be a series of short musings;
- tuscan funeral - short (or longer) story about a woman who's coping in her own way with a personal loss (will probably be written only in German);
- future view - a short story about an utopia of life in Germany, good or bad isn't to be said yet (I was inspired to write this one by a book filled with stories about a possible future of mankind I once got);
- Bask - a short (oder longer) story about the random meeting of three very different persons somewhere at the Basque shore;
- cross-atlantic - piece about a girl in her teens, who's crossing the Atlantic on a big ocean liner to start a new life, about the second half of the 19th century;
- Summer in France - That is supposed to be a story about a bunch of young, decadent people, in the style of the old French movies;

Those titles are mainly working titles. I do have a hard time to settle on a title...

I don't know yet, which of those thing I'll actually write and when.
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This is actually a very old story of me. Just posting again as a starter.
I have to re-write it someday. And I definitely want to have some other end.



~1

„Nothing“, she said. “Nothing ever happened!”

She stared at Irene. “Nothing. What’s your matter with that? How did you come to think that I was the reason? That I was involved at all?”

“You were the reason! I know! He said so!”

“Why should he say something that isn’t true? Why do you believe that shit? I didn’t do anything. I never did! And he, more important, didn’t do anything.”

“I know that it was only because of you. I know!”

“Why? I never gave any reason to make you believe I was involved! Did he really say it’s because of me? Did he really say so?”

“He said it’s not for me… he said there were things he had to think about…”

“Not me!”

“What else?”

“What else? As if there wasn’t enough stuff in his life to think about.”

“Why did you take him? Drag him away from me?”

“You yourself tore him away from you. Your relationship never worked, did it? I didn’t do anything. Never. Nothing ever happened between us.”

“You kissed him!”

“He was drunk, he kissed me and that was it. He wanted to try out how far he can go. Just simple kisses. Nothing. My fiancé watched us!”

“He kissed you!”

“That was nothing! The day after he told Len that nothing happened. He didn’t touch me.”

“How can you say there was nothing when you kissed! It’s your blame.”

Irene’s eyes were full of hate and a sense of “knowledge” that would not be doubted or broken, what ever Vicky would say.

She gave up. Why explain things that were true and clear if Irene wouldn’t want to understand? 



Vicky left the café and went outside on the street. The evening sun spread it’s last light and she decided to enjoy at least this summer evening that would perhaps be the last this year.

Some paces away there was a little park with trees and benches. There she went, sat down and became melancholy at once.

He was gone, that was it so far. She wasn’t the reason he left, she was sure. As she had said, there had been enough problems in his life that would be reason to leave.

And already she missed him. Slowly she closed her eyes, felt the soft warmth of the sunbeams on her lids and pulled herself together to avoid the upcoming tears.

Not that he had been around much last time, not that they had met too often, but she always knew that he was around. She always knew if he was okay. Now she didn’t know anything, even not where he was. She wondered how he felt and deeply hoped he would be good, would be able to leave his trouble behind.


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~2


None of them both would have been able to tell when it started. It just developed. In the beginning gentle and soft, not to be recognised, getting stronger and more controlling with the time.



In the beginning she wasn’t sure if he even liked her. He was not the kind of person that would agree with people without true intention. Others considered him to be arrogant and unfriendly.
She never agreed with that kind of judgement for the simple reason that she didn’t really know him.

When she learned that he didn’t dislike her, that he even seemed to like her ,and if it was only because he was her fiancé’s best friend, she started relieved to act natural.

Some kind of understanding developed between them. This leaning grin they both put up when they met, the unspoken agreement when stupid people gave their performance, only made clear with vague glances.

She had always been sure that it was just impossible to know him perfectly, impossible because he didn’t know himself perfectly. But at least she learned to know him better than most people did, even most of his close friends. She could spend hours watching him and thinking about him.

Then the summer came and with the summer the numerous camp-fires in the woods.



And then Irene appeared. 

Coming from nowhere as it seemed she took over a great amount of the local attention. She got involved with social activities and soon seemed to be everybody’s best friend. Being bothered with other matters than local gossip Vicky somehow missed this development and was surprised and shocked when she found out.
Not shocked in a bad way, but surprised because things seemed to happen and people seemed to come and go in a speed that was too fast for her. And shocked because Irene also seemed to be very close to him. Too close for the bad impression Vicky got from her.

Why wouldn’t he share those familiar glances of friendly arrogance with Vicky when Irene said something stupid or immature? Why would she be allowed to make fun of him, or even worse to criticize him?

Still he played his game with her. His old “Go for the Girl” game that was saved for teens and not too intelligent girls. That game was one of his greatest hobbies, he spent whole evenings and nights with it, just to test out how far he could go and how successful he would be. As far as Vicky new he never lost.


Some days later when Vicky was still sure that Irene would only be one of his short, unimportant and somehow cruel affairs, she got to learn that he was together with Irene.

Confused she watched him from some distance. Unconsciously she went away from him more and more.

Obviously he was in love with Irene, that she could see, but not why. She decided that this must be one of the strange ways love seems to happen, but that didn’t cheer her up, she felt like loosing a friend.


The month went by and his relationship with Irene grew stranger and stranger daily. One day they were in love with each other perfectly, the next day they split up with big performance, just to reunion the next day with tears and audience. This habit became worse and they came to come together and split up for three times a day. Sometimes they parted forever, didn’t speak to each other for some days and again run to each other later.

Everybody who knew them was laughing about it, everybody was making fun about one of them or both.

But in fact this relationship wasn’t funny at all. Irene was getting worse and he seemed to break on it, together with all the other things in his life that went wrong.



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~3


One year went by. Things didn’t change. Vicky didn’t forget him and didn’t forget the very special appeal they had, but she learned not to think about it too often.

In fact she was happy. She was engaged to her Mr. Exactly-Right and had a wonderful life. She spent her time with her friends, with working or with her books. But sometimes when they met, she got a little but painful feeling of sadness and loss.


The winter came and Vicky was totally booked up with working, she hardly ever spend more then two days at home in one piece. Christmas and New Year she spent in Stockholm, alone with her mother.

After January she really was too busy with work to recognize anything else, came home in the nights and left very early in the mornings. She was hardly ever able to spend an whole evening with her fiancé.


Then spring came and Vicky found herself back in her old world. Things hadn’t changed and her friends were still the same and welcomed her back.

Needing a holiday bitterly after the month of business she decided in late spring to go on a short journey with some friends.



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~4


It was a rainy day. Vicky and her friends truly hoped to escape the cold and wet weather through going to the sea.

All the way down to the south the weather didn’t change a bit.
In fact complaining about the rain and mist didn’t cheer them up, but was a nice game while driving. 

After four hours in terrible traffic jams and 6 more hours driving on old roads they reached their destination. The rain stopped when they saw the sea, but the dull light remained.

“I wanna have the tents put up and everything before dark – and before more rain comes…” Vicky said as soon as they got out of the car. 

After home-making they had a pretty funny first day and a rather drunk evening. They got to know some other people on the camping site that came from a town rather close to theirs and understood good with them.

Late that night Vicky got to bed in her van, where she had a mattress and her last thought was about not having to get up early next day. 

With a comfortable rainy-holiday-feeling she felt asleep.



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~5


Slowly awaking Vicky heard that the rain, that had been disturbing her sleep now and then during the night, had stopped, but she also felt the strong wind that took it’s place.

But that wasn’t the original reason why she awoke. Someone was knocking at the car door and shouting , with an incredible joy of awaking people in his voice “ Hey! Still asleep?! Alan’s coming soon, they just called! Don’t wanna get up? The rain stopped and they actually have a sun here!”

Vicky was surprised. Alan wanted to come here, too, yes, but did he bring him with him, she wondered. They talked about this before they started, and he said he’d probably come with Alan. 
But “probably” meant more “well, don’t know, rather not” with him. 

Nevertheless she was happy to hear that Alan was soon arriving, since he was one of the “partiest” people she knew.

Unhappy to leave the warm bed,she got out of the car.

With her sleeping clothes, ungroomed and still sleep in her eyes Vicky stood under the provisional roof they put up against the rain, a bottle with water in the one hand and her toothbrush in the other.

While brushing her teeth she was strolling around on the meadow looking for the promised sun.

Suddenly, Vicky nearly swallowed the toothpaste lather for the surprise, he came running up to her. 

Before she was able to even take the brush out of her mouth he hugged her and kissed her on both cheeks. 

“So glad to see you!” he smiled. “How are you? Hasn’t the weather been better yesterday?”

“Huy!” was all she was able to answer with water and toothpaste in her mouth.

“What have you done yesterday? Where are the others?”

Vicky was perplexed. The others? Since when did he care for any of the people with whom she was here?

And then he was already gone again “See you later. Will you come to the beach?” and off he was.

Finally spiting the water in the ground Vicky turned round to look for swimming suit and towel.



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~6


Actually it wasn’t bathing weather. The sun hardly came through the clouds and a cold wind was blowing constantly. Nevertheless Vicky went down to the sea and forced herself into the cold water where the others already where. Soon they got out again and tried to get dry somehow. After re-dressing Vicky and some friends decided to go for some drinks and lunch to a little restaurant near the beach.

They spent the rest of the day doing nothing and talking nonsense. Before the shops closed they went shopping a bit for the evening.

After a short dinner with candle light, b/c they had no other, they went looking for the party.

Some people were at the beach, sitting on the rocks and drinking, dancing and having fun. Others did the same on the meadow near the tents.

Vicky hang around together with Una. They have had a long and interesting talk about the world and themselves before. Before this holiday Vicky wasn’t too much friends with Una, but now she found her to be a really nice and funny person.

They went down to the beach to look for the others. They found a small group of people and party sound.

Seeing him, the two of them walked close and sat down on a rock next to him.

And he was flirting. What seemed to be his master discipline.
Making way too young girls fall head over heals for him obviousely brought an incredible pleasure to him. Even though everybody, and every even young girl, knew that he was just him and nothing else, his tactics worked every time.

“If I was a guy”, Vicky said whispering to Una “I would call me lucky if I could use his trick. What’s it about? He get’s every one with that.” “I wonder…” said Una smiling while still waching him.

“It’s always and again this ‘No, you cannot understand me. You cannot. You are so lucky and young and sweet and innocent – and I’m just so sorely afflicted ,you cannot understand me!’ – that’s why they fall each time.” “Yeah, incredible…”

He knew that they were whatching and talking and laughing about him and his doings. He didn’t care. Or most likely it made his game even funnier to have audience. It was like watching TV for Vicky and Una. they leaned back, cocktails in their hands and watched.

After some while the girl of the evening was all in his spell. They left together, supposedly to go to her room.


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~7


The next morning brought a glimpse of sunshine and that was enough to make the day. After it got to warm to continue sleeping in the bus Vicky met the others to have somekind of breakfast.

“I wanna do something active, something cultural today. Not just laying in the sun” Vicky said. “Let us go somewhere and see somehting! There was this ruine of an old castle, we saw when we drove here… how about that?”

“Do you know where that exactly is?”

“No, well, I saw it from the car. It can’t be far.”

Una, Alan and another friend agreed on going. They were just discussing which car to use when he came down the meadow to them.

For some reason he seemed reall please by the plan and a few minutes later the five of them were sitting in his car.

It was hot, the ruin was more distant than they thought and they didn’t get to it on no road anyway. But still it was fun. After two hours of cruising aroung here and there the finally found a small alley that lead to the old castle. Eager to leave the hot car they jumped out and went strolling around the grounds each by himself.


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~8


When Vicky was just walking around what once had been the outer wall of the fort and was now all coverd with green trees, bushes and grasses he came along.

“Hey” he said.

“Hey…” Vicky answered already knowing from his face that he had something on his mind, but wouldn’t want to tell.

“What are you doin… ah.. forget!”

Vicky said nothing but walked on into the shadow of a big old tree. She turned around to him after some moments, waiting for him to say something. Obviousely he didn’t want to. She sat down on some stones and pulled a cigarette from her pocket.

As he always did to her he came over with the lighter in his hands.

“Thanks” she said. And after a while, blinking up to him and the sun “So did you have a nice night yesterday?”

“I was under the impression that you and Una had the funnier evening.”

“How’s that?”

“I slept in my car. You don’t know me as well as you think you do. I didn’t even bring her to her room. I just sat on the veranda with her for some while, then went off.”

“To do what?”

“Think. no, nothing to do nothing. You know what I do.”

“I thought I did not know?!” Vicky was seriousely wondering what was wrong with him. That was the most open talk they ever had. Usually all their conversation depended on short but knowing looks they changed.

“Oh, you know, you know! I mean… You’ve always known me.”
He was fighting with something inside him, that did not let him tell what he intended to.

“I never made illusions about knowing you. I harldy think that you know yourself. What’s the matter, now?”

He just stood and looked at her with an incredible pain in his eyes that she had never seen before. And with something else: The mockrey challenge she knew so well from his face had changed into something more serious, something she would have called longing, if it wasn’t for him.

He didn’t say anthing for some minutes.

“You don’t mean that, do you?” Vicky ahd to say in reference to the way he was looking.

He still didn’t say anything, nor move.

“So I have to go and put my shields down? Once I will do. And tell you what I actually think about you. The essence about it.”

He shrugged his shoulders.

“You think that there must be someone out there that understands you. And each time we meet you’re surprised that it’s not me even if I seem to.”

“But you are.”

“No, I’m not. I’m by far not able to be that one for you that you need. But there’s another thing that you should finally realize. There may be more than the one that is perfect. There may be quite a lot people who would be able to care.”

Taking a deep breath Vicky turned and walked abway without haste.


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~9


Shortly after they got back home the big ball took place. Working mates of Vicky’s fiance where there and even though Vicky didn’t like that kind of events when she didn’t know anybody but one, she agreed to come.

Then she found out that Alan and he were also to come. It was an incredibly hot summer day and even at 11 pm when the dinner was over and the most important people left it was nearly too much. Inside the party part of the night started and some DJ’s took over the room.

Vicky spend a lot of time outside, smoking, talking and just feeling the summer. Alan came out. They had a long talk about all the things that happened since they last met. When the heat of the day slowly went away, even if not completely, they went in again. Vicky didn’t feel like dancing, but everybody else did.
Getting some more water to drink she sat down at a table a bit aside from the dancefloor.

Then he came up again. Sat with her and talked about Irene, his girlfriend. Selfconvinced and drunk as he was.

Len came over to them, exhausted from dancing. The conversation turned more aggressive somehow.

While gesticulating he put his hand on her upper tights.

Emberassed he took it away quickly and apologized. Vicky didn’t mind that and neither did Len, there’s was nothing to talk about.
“You don’t mind that?” he asked. “And what if I kissed her? Here, now?”

“Well, I guess that’s her decision.” Len didn’t seem to care.

“So you won’t mind that? Or will you?” As it was so tragically typical for him he needed to provoke. Even if it was his friend and even if it could really trouble things.

He kissed her.

Vicky was amused to a high grade. She enjoyed that kiss. He was a good kisser.

Len was laughing. “You’re so lucky, man, that I’m not you. If I’d kissed your girl you would have killed me…”

“You don’t mind...” he seemed insecure at once.

“No I don’t. Vicky will have to tell you when to stop. As for me you can kiss her 500 times, if you like to.”

“That means another 499.” He kissed Vicky again.“You can close your eyes. It’s real.” he told her some time later when he was kissing her again.

Vicky had to laugh each time he did.

Later that night she drove home two drunk guys. Len was staying at the party. Alan was taling all the way home. He was asleep.

When she left them he advised Alan to be witness that he had done nothing. “Nothing, you see! I’ve done nothing at all” with Vicky.

A few days after Irene called Vicky and wanted to know where he went.

Surprised Vicky told her that she didn’t know he was gone. She tried to call him on his phone but didn’t get him.

Another week later Len got him on the phone.

“He seemd really disturbed. He didn’t say where he was or when he’s coming back. He just apologized to me again and again and said that it has nothing to do with us both.”


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~10


Time passed. Vicky was thinking about him and the whole story often, but she lived her live and was happy with it.


Then he came back. Nobody expected him to, but he did.

They met by chance in a café. She recognized him at once, even if his looks had changed. His attitude was still the same.

They talked some minutes, had a coffee together and parted again. Nothing happened. He had changed too much. She had changed too much perhaps, too. The connection was gone.

And now that it was, it felt even more strange than when it still had been there.
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